.........

Everything is getting out of hand. My house, my family.. My sis and dad argued because of me. Just because I don't wash my bowl and keep at the basin, dad mistaken that my sis did it and sis said it was mine but dad don't believe it and he insisted that it's sis one and sis shouted at him, dad say NONONONO and walked off, sis came to me and shouted that 'LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! NEXT TIME I DON'T BOTHER YOU ALREADY! AND YOUR FATHER COME AND SHOUT AT ME FOR NOTHING. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!' and she went back to her room and slam the door. I heard bangings behind the door. While I sat in the eating table, trying not to think about it, tears welled up in my eyes, eating my plate of noodle and studying chinese words at the same time.

Shit, Everything is my fault. I'm so useless. I can't even do simple chores. Grandma said don't shout already! Dad sat at the living room. Grandma said I was spoon-fed for 16years. It's a habit already. Ever single thing people have to serve me. Chores are done by my mother. My mom don't complain much and thats why I'm like this. I tried to ignore everything. Shut every words they are saying. Soon, sis stomp out from the room with her bag and shout at me. She take her shoes out of the cupboard, slam everything she do, open the door and ran out. Okay. Now it's raining. I wonder where she will go. What is she doing outside? If anything happen to her, I have to take the rap.

All because of me. Problems are arising. So Many of them. I can't handle the stress and pressure. Firstly, r/s problems then some emotional stuff which is not solved yet. Then came my dad's health condition. Thirdly, my O levels is just a day away. Now, my family bond is broken. Shit. Why? Everyone expect me to get good grades for O lvl. Everyone is pressurising me. I know I can do it. It just that.. Everything happen at once. I can't take it. It's part of growing up but why now? Why ? I don't understand. Is my life that bad? Soon I will have depression. I think I already have 30% of depression. Mental illness, attitude changed, some weird stuff going on. I tried not to drink, I tried not to think about it after my exams but they kept flashing in my mind time and again. He's gone. Going for 2 weeks. Maybe during this time to let him chill up. Going there isn't chilling but at least stop contacting me for 2weeks is good.

I hope everything will be fine after that. I was like.. I'm not jealous. His friend gave him a testi who is a girl but I tell you I'm not jealous. I'm sad. I'm angry. The moment I saw that, my heart shattered. It hurts me. I shed a tear. I was thinking why am I the only one get treated like that by him? What have I done? Am I that irritating? Am I that annoying? Why he have to do this to me? It hurts to see someone you like treat you like that. Shit. I just had a deja-vu. Ya. It hurts. I will accept if he doesn't want to be a lover. Well, at least as a friend. But no. Worst than that? Treating that he-dont-know-who-the-hell-am-i attitude. Or even worst. Treat that shp-is-invisible attitude. At least you will reply 'Who is this?' when someone unknown messaged you. I try to show my care and everything but it failed. I guess I shouldn't bother anything now. Let heaven decide. Let fate decide. I believe in fate.

Sigh. I hope my sis is fine now. I hope she will forgive me. I'm sorry. I will change. I sorry to everyone. I'm taking everything for granted. I'm toying everything I have. I'm just like a useless kid. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry about all these things had happened. I want to apologise to those friends out there who I took them for granted, those words I said (eventhough words can't be taken back, if i could, i will), those stuff I did. Sorry. Now grandma and dad is talking about the matter. Dad was rather shock when he heard sis went out of house. Sigh.

Thats all. Good luck to those people who are taking their O levels. Work hard. Show glory to you family and friends. Don't be a moron like me. See you guys online next month. I'll be back. Take care.

` SHPX thinking deeply @3:51:00 PM

seh

I just drank 2 big mugs of 100plus mixed with a less than 3ml of absolut vodka which I'm left with and 1/5 full of the mug of Dry Gin. I didn't open the gin since i shifted to this house (1yr+) till now. How slow am I. It smells nicer. 47.3% gin 40% vodka. That makes it 87.3%? Haha. Not like that count la! Unless you drink the whole bottle of it -_-. Yea. Squeezed in some lemon in it. It taste nice. Better than plain 100plus. Nothing to drink anyway.

[[you're still in my mind]]

I could feel the blood running thru my veins in my head. I just read my chemistry text book and manage to memorise some points of my ss notes. yup. I did 3questions of my maths tys and suddenly i heard this 'zzzz zzzzzzzzz' sound somewhere in the hall. It's a flying ant which unable to fly. I hate those kind of stuff. Yuck. Therefore, I went to switch off the lights and come back online. -_- I suppose to do my revision till 6am but all because of the ant! dammit im such a timid. lol.

Nevermind, i shall continue tomorrow. work hard! ><

i really really miss him. Today I sent 3 sms to him + 1 msg in friendster + a notice in irc = no reply. man. i'm losing my patience. dont make me do what im not gonna do! i gonna lose my head soon. sheesh.

alright. resting soon. listing to the radio whole day. sick of the songs. everyday play the same thing. -_- gone.

` SHPX thinking deeply @3:15:00 AM

tired. very tired. but i musn't sleep. going out later. zz.

I slept at 3plus and woke up at 6 in the morning for a jog. It started to drizzle. I like that feeling. It was like mist spraying on your face. The air is fresh and everything is so cool. Yea I like that.

I still can't stop thinking of him. Is he trying to test my patience? What is he actually thinking? Do I still wait here like a fool? I mean.. At least he reply some words so I know the current status. BUT NO? What the hell? I'm suffering! But I should forget about this. I can't. It's not i can't control my feelings. It's I cant. It is stuck in my head. Shucks. Godammit. The feeling is in me for a week plus and I still can't get rid of it. The only remedy is him. But nothing seem to work. Argh. Think of that, I'm pissed again. What the hell is he doing? Does he know this? NO?! Then what the hell am I suffering for a god damn guy. I know he has his own reason but at least TELL ME! Tell me what you want. Don't treat me like a fool.

Argh. Forget it. I give myself 2 months for this. If not, I give up. Once and for all. I don't want to be rejected again. The feeling sucks. Anyway.. I don't know wassup with me. I kept eating! In a day, I can eat many bowls of meals and some snacks, cakes, drinks... Omg. I'm growing fat. But why all of the sudden I started to eat a lot. Depression? -_-

Dad gonna discharge from SGH later. Yea Yea. He able to recover very fast. Thanks to my religion friends who came to my place and encourage and support me for my dad's condition and studies. Those who went to SGH and visit my dad. Real surprising. Although I know they going to visit but i don't expect so many of them. Those ICs who really brighten my life a lot. They rocks. And those people out there who show care and concern to me and my family. I appreciate that and THANKS!

O levels is only.. 5 days away.. Damn. I think i will screw it soon. Very soon.. >< But good luck to those who are taking their Os! All the best! Study hard Play hard Pray Hard.


Now I wish that he can feel what i'm feeling now..
zhi you tian zhi dao wo you duo mo ai ni. ><

[[... still waiting since 171oo4]]

` SHPX thinking deeply @10:37:00 AM

pissed.

Somehow I kept thinking of the incident. It mades me pissed off by it. I mean I'm treating myself like a fool. Am I just stupid or what? I know I'm irritating. I can't stand myself either but that's the way I am. Whether you like it or not, I'm still irritating. I can't let this feeling in my goes on and on like that. I can't find the remedy to cure it. The only thing I do is go for an evening or morning jog/run till you get tired. When you're tired, you won't think of your worries. After that, you simply tired youself and it feels great to me. You feel fresh especially in the morning when the air is cold. The sun began to rise.. What else? Birds are chirping. Everything is so bliss. It feels so .. Great.

[[My heart is empty. Please fill it with love!]]

I definetly need love. Yea. Oh no. 3:34am. Sleeping time? >< I going for a morning run at 6.20am later. Yup. Nite guys. Ciaos.

` SHPX thinking deeply @3:25:00 AM

disappointed, sad

Alright. New day of the week. Monday blues? Today I had my O Level Science Practical. Screwed up. Many of us asked 'Why titration come out! LKK say don't need to study! Bluff ah us!' Yea. I don't want to think about it. I wish to retake it next year! lolx. Hopefully not.. I just pray hard. ><

Sigh. Everything is over. Yea. Offcially over. Always drag here drag there. I'm sick of it. Even I'm out of the r/s, I still have this little sour feeling in my heart. I thought that I had forgotten about it. Somehow, it made me realised that it's still there. I want to run away but I know I can't. Huiyi jie said after exams then think about it. Yea I know. Why is it now? But everything was done and it's done. I just have to be strong and stand up. I can't be like this anymore. Please grow up! Learn to let it go! Uhhh. Hope so. I'm trying to adapt this kind of thing. I want to be the old Wenting I used to be. Nah. Not those childish mindsets. Maybe old maybe new. I just want to change. Thats all. It takes time...

What is he thinking actually? Or am I just thinking too much. But I don't think I'm thinking much. It's the fact that he's a little sort of avoiding. I don't know. I just can't read people's mind. I really miss him. I don't know how. What to do? What to say? What to think? What?! It's driving me crazy! Somehow.. He gonna be away for weeks.. omg. Life sucks. Love sucks.

Damn in hungry. I better go eat first.

`i miss you soooooo.

` SHPX thinking deeply @4:29:00 PM

dont know.

im just thinking too much after all. and somehow.. it wasnt true. i dont know. i dont mind and dont care what,how it takes as long i get it. im here waiting. yes i will. im missing u. loving u always. the door in my heart will always be there for the key to open. its still waiting.. right there waiting.. hopefully it will get the right key.


`right here waiting for you .
i hope u have decided. sigh.`

` SHPX thinking deeply @9:26:00 PM

no love

I don't know what am I feeling now.

Last night, I went to take a bowl of instant noodle and eat. I accidentally scald my hand. Real painful but lucky it's not a major one. Sis said she going out with her good friend and even asked me out! She forced me to go. Ended up I went with a scalded hand, complaining all the way.

We went to this coffee club beside california fitness in Orchard Rd. I tell you. Please don't ever go there. Service is damn lousy. 40+min with several prompts then serve you. Those people who came later than us are served first. It seemed that we are the only one with problems. Their tables.. No numbers. How to know who order what? They said one of the waiter served to the wrong table which had a similar order like us. What the hell sia. We were so pissed off that we almost want to cancel our order. The things they served us was.. lousy. Melted icecream and strawberry smooties seemed like strawberry milk. NO ICE. When they gave us our dessert, they didn't give us any spoon or what to eat but we manage to find a small bucket of salt,spoon,pepper etc. -_- DIY cafe ah? Expect us to eat with hands? And they didn't give us any tissue! Grr. We complained to the manager at the counter. Ended up, they gave us 15% discount for compensation. What the shit. lol

After that, sis friend said want to go one of the friend's pub in tanjong pagar. it's Da Club. around 2am+ then go back home. While talking in the car, we realised that our corona beer is in the freezer. OMG. Did dad save it? Phew. Yes he did. If not, there goes our beer of the day. Hah!

Damn. Heavy feeling in my heart. What is he actually thinking. Why no replies? Seem like.. ignoring me. Damn. I don't want this to happen. AGAIN. He said I'm too sensitive, thinking too much. Sigh. But.. If I don't wanna think that much. What if something happens how? At least I'm prepared for it. But.. Oh well. I don't have the mood to blog now actually. Just wanna complain about the cafe service.

Damn!

` SHPX thinking deeply @1:39:00 PM

tired but don't feel like sleeping

Whew~ It's 8am in the morning. Am I mad? I only sleep for less than 1.5hours and I went for a morning jog. Yay. My head isn't in pain at all. I slowed down my speed a LITTLE. Jog around the compound. Probably only 1km. Mom said she almost died due to out of breath. -_- I went around taking pictures. Duh. He insisted me to goto his place tomorrow. Sian. Don't feel like.

Yawn. I started my day Great. Went to drink a cuppa HL milk and cooked 1/2 boiled egg for my sis and I but it turned out to be 3/4 boiled. I went for a cold shower after that. Sis asked me to mix a cuppa hot chocolate for her. I'm a maid or what? Somehow I helped her and my grandma thought that today I was so good girl. She asked me why I so good mix hot choc for my sis. I said SHE ASKED ME TO. Haha! And the last thing I said just now was 'Hey, What's with that green shirt. I didn't see that before' Haha. It was my dad's shirt. Weird green. He said,'Hah. From China! SGD $1 only!' Did I hear wrongly? $2 or $1 but it is cheap anyway.

I found few bottles of cooking oil in the bed room. Mom said Dad is going to bring these samples to China to sell. Huh?! Sell cooking oil? Weird. People sell car petrol oil he sell cooking oil. Haha!

Speaking of my Dad, my sis wondered why Mom don't bother about my Dad. She don't ask where is he going when he's going out in the night. Instead, I'm the one who asked where he is going! He bluff us last night! He said he going downstairs. We went down and not even in the coffeeshop opp. my block. Liar. Haha! When I reached home, I just asked 'Hey where you go ah!' and I looked at my sis. She grin at me but my Dad didn't reply. lolx.

CS online le. Finally some human for me to talk to. Bye? ><

` SHPX thinking deeply @7:57:00 AM

bored.

Oh god. Today is already Thursday. I'm stuck at home. Not studying but chatting online, listen to technos and sleep etc. Mom woke me up this morning at six thirty sharp. I was like 'Ooohhh.. What? What am I suppose to do? Huh?' I was very lethargic because I slept at three thirty am last night. Oh ya. I was suppose to go for a morning jog with mom. Man. My brain is real tired. I went for a run instead.

The route was going out from house and to the pathway between the trees and ShopNSave. The path was roughly 200m or maybe 170m. I ran around 5 rounds to and fro. So it was roughly 1kmplus? I decided to stop. My head was in excruciating pain. REAL pain. I think I bath quite late these days. The pressure in my ears and behind my head is killing me. The feeling is like having a pressure in your ears when you going up or down the airplane. Maybe even worst. The pain affect my nerves at my jaw.

I decided to sit at the playground and look at the morning sky. Few birds were flying. Very quiet and serene. I was wondering how I wish I could fly like the bird. I think twice. Maybe not. Maybe the birds will think the other way round that they wish to walk freely like humans on Earth. We are used to what we are doing and wanted to try something different. We may think that the things we are doing now are pretty boring while flying is like a very exciting thing. Same goes to the bird. Well, this is nature. Aww.

Yesterday I had my last POA course taught by Janet Kwok. She's so sweet. Yes she is. I went back home and decided to ask mom to fetch me when I reached Seng Kang Interchange Bus station. I was so tired to take 101 back. I sat at the bus stop and observed what are the doings of the people.

Here goes:
-98% of the people will face the direction where the bus will be coming, staring very closely @ the traffic light.
-2% will sit there, looking at other places. Very calm.
-38% of them will think that their bus come already but actually it was only 1 digit difference of the bus number because they had seen wrongly. Eg. Their bus were 101
but 151 came. They thought it was 101 and move a little forward.
-13% will walk around talking on their mobile phone, wander around aimlessly.
-61% of the businessman and woman tend to walk very fast to their destination. You will hear knockings of women's high heel shoes against the ground and soon it was nowhere to be heard.
-99% of them are very Kiasu. The bus had not reach the stop yet but they had already stand near to the edge of the bus stop and get ready to enter it. They want to be the first person to enter the bus.
-4% of them will enter the second bus at the back when there is two same bus arrived at the stop.
-Some of them will run for their lives to enter the bus, some think that they will miss the bus and walk slowly to the stop to wait for another one.

Human Behaviours are typical. Or I can say Singaporeans. Haha! Are you one of them?

Time is almost 7pm. I have not eat my dinner yet. So bored. I don't see much of my classmates online. Are they studying? Oh no. Haha. Oh ya. Zhihui and Kath are coming to my place this Sunday afternoon for home visit. Geez. I think I better wake up early on Sunday.
What about Saturday? Going out probably. Catch a movie. Uhhh. I haven't watch White Chicks yet. Damn. No money too. Lots of creditors. Bad debts? Trade discount? Cash discount? Discount allowed/Received? Dishonoured Cheques? Bad debts written off? Provision of Doubtful debts? Haha. Mad. Thought POA ah?

Okay. Stop here. ><

` SHPX thinking deeply @6:28:00 PM

tummy ache.

Damn. I hate these days. I only went to school twice this week but oh well. What is school anyway? I wanted to study for a long time but I just can't start it. It's not that I'm lazy. It's I don't know where should I start. Yup. Got back all my prelim results. Quite Ok with it. Didn't expect me to get those marks really because I didn't put in the effort.

Finally my coughing is gone? I hate it! I don't know what was wrong with me. I'm annoyed with myself for no reason! I just ate my dinner and now I'm having a tummy ache. Amalina just discharged from hospital today. Good for her. You guys out there better take care of yourselves before the major exams come. Medick and I went to CGH to accompany ama just now. I was lethargic till I slept there. We even play in the ladies which was formally the Gents. There's two urinals in there and medick went to act like as if she's peeing. Funny! In school, luqman kept talking to us! Oh! That BFF went to take Jieyi SP form. There goes our future! I thought that I could get rid of her once and for all after the exams but... she's going! Argh!!! WHY! I better boycott Dong and take her form away! Damn..

Oh. My sis just called me. I was looking at the phone and wonder what's this number. And I heard this lady asked me 'Where are you' and it took me seconds to realise that she's my sister. Her voice was.. So secretive. Seemed to be whispering to me. 'Heyyy. You.. Can you help me check my POSB account number?' I asked her,'Why? Why your voice like that? Your number is XXX-XXXXX-X' And she whisper back to confirm and said i'm irritating! Am i? Am i? Grrr.

Argh. My tummy is still so painful. Oh and my sole of my leg. What is that area called. The back of the sole. Below your ankle part? I think the veins 'ya dao' (chinese).. Whenever I walk, it the weight will press on it right? And it's so painful! Argh. I can't walk properly. I have to drag my leg. Sheesh. So irritating. Irritating life. One after another.

Oh man I'm disappointed. He coming back tomorrow. I thought it suppose to be today? Argh. But it doesn't makes any difference because I'm not meeting him. Heh. I shall be an independent girl now. Haha! Oh ya. I didn't know we patch either. Medik says we are silent patcher. Yea. We always break and patch without knowing the reasons too. But I'm glad he is still with me after 2years3mths2days. Wonder how long we will last? Forever? Hmm.. Hope so.. =)

My nick is still 'All girls beware of PS2. The No.1 men seducer.'
My friend asked me why PS2? Well because when a guy got a PS2(playstation2), he will forget that he got a gf to accompany. He will stick to the PS2 everyday everynight.. And made the gf angry. So.. All PS2 are evil. Hate them! Even though i like PS2 too but THEY are much more evil than I am! Argh!! Haha!

Medik wanna buy a mp3 player! Argh Not fair. Betty got one. She gonna have one. And I got none! Never mind.. I wanna get the creative Zen touch / ipod when i finish my exams. Damn. Currently, maybe I get a bluetooth and transfer songs to my handphone as a 41MB mp3player. Haha! Better than nothing. Oh well. ><

` SHPX thinking deeply @5:37:00 PM

sick

I was finally well enough to blog again. Thanks to those who wish me get well soon, take care of me especially my mom who took a day off to take care of me the whole day without fail and those who concern for me when I was in this critical period. Was it serious anyway? But thanks. I finally feel that those people who seldom contact you or those who don't even show their care for you all the time, whenever you're in need for help, they are always there for you. I love you guys.

Wednesday 29 2004
I met dd. I think this is the last day to meet him when he go back to serve his NS. When I'm back home. My temperature rise up to 37.7 I though it wasn't that serious because I was having fever on and off due to the excruciating headaches I had for a week. I went to sleep after I watched Stairway To Heaven.

Thursday 30 2004
Mom called me up early in the morning to ask me if I want to goto school or not. I don't know what I replied as I was too tired. Probably I shook my head or something so my mom assumed that I don't wish to go. I woke up around 10.30am. I thought 'What the hell? Why am I at home? Am I suppose to be in school? Uhh' Someone off the aircon and I covered myself with the thick blanket. I was feeling feverish so I went to measure my temperature.

39.6deg What the hell! My head was boiling. I walked out my room and told my grandma. Went to pour myself a water and iced myself. I called mom several times but it's engaged! Grandma asked me if I want to go the doc opp my place. I said no. I don't want to because it's so expensive and I can't even walk properly, how do you expect me to walk a distance away from home by myself!

I kept checking my temperature. It stuck above 39.5. Sheesh. Finally I called mom around 5pm+. She pick up. She said she will fetch me to the polyclinic later.

At 6pm+ Mom fetch me there. She was so naggy. She said if I got this got that. Thought that I got Dengue Fever or something. So irritating! I got pissed off by her. When doc see me, he said I probably got some virus. There's a lump on my neck. If it doesn't goes off in two weeks, I have to go back there again. Sigh.

At 10pm+, I was sneezing badly. My god. It was unbearable. Coughing away. I managed to sleep around 12mid. But I can't sleep soundly because I had some dream which made my brain goes 'haywire'. Overloaded with dreams and I can't even think what I'm thinking actually.

Friday 1 2004
I woke up around 7am and coughing badly. The pain in throat is getting worst. Mom take care of me. My temperature still stuck above 38 plus. I lost my voice too. Argh. Everything is getting worst. Damn. Until the night, I was quite okay but I slept with the stupid thick blanket again until my temperature goes up again. Damn.

Saturday 2 2004
Mom took my temperature. She so irritating. Always take my temperature almost every hour. Sis nag at her. Asked her to go and sleep. Haha!

Actually I don't even know what am I typing now. Feeling so seh. My sis went to fetch her bf to the airport. Mom had gone to work. Dad? Where's dad. Grandma.. Outside watching tv. Me? Sick and tired. Sigh. I can't even talk. How am I suppose to goto school like that! Arghh. >< Hate this. WHY! =(

` SHPX thinking deeply @2:15:00 PM