** Saturday, October 30, 2004 __
Currently Feeling*
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Everything is getting out of hand. My house, my family.. My sis and dad argued because of me. Just because I don't wash my bowl and keep at the basin, dad mistaken that my sis did it and sis said it was mine but dad don't believe it and he insisted that it's sis one and sis shouted at him, dad say NONONONO and walked off, sis came to me and shouted that 'LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! NEXT TIME I DON'T BOTHER YOU ALREADY! AND YOUR FATHER COME AND SHOUT AT ME FOR NOTHING. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!' and she went back to her room and slam the door. I heard bangings behind the door. While I sat in the eating table, trying not to think about it, tears welled up in my eyes, eating my plate of noodle and studying chinese words at the same time.
Shit, Everything is my fault. I'm so useless. I can't even do simple chores. Grandma said don't shout already! Dad sat at the living room. Grandma said I was spoon-fed for 16years. It's a habit already. Ever single thing people have to serve me. Chores are done by my mother. My mom don't complain much and thats why I'm like this. I tried to ignore everything. Shut every words they are saying. Soon, sis stomp out from the room with her bag and shout at me. She take her shoes out of the cupboard, slam everything she do, open the door and ran out. Okay. Now it's raining. I wonder where she will go. What is she doing outside? If anything happen to her, I have to take the rap.
All because of me. Problems are arising. So Many of them. I can't handle the stress and pressure. Firstly, r/s problems then some emotional stuff which is not solved yet. Then came my dad's health condition. Thirdly, my O levels is just a day away. Now, my family bond is broken. Shit. Why? Everyone expect me to get good grades for O lvl. Everyone is pressurising me. I know I can do it. It just that.. Everything happen at once. I can't take it. It's part of growing up but why now? Why ? I don't understand. Is my life that bad? Soon I will have depression. I think I already have 30% of depression. Mental illness, attitude changed, some weird stuff going on. I tried not to drink, I tried not to think about it after my exams but they kept flashing in my mind time and again. He's gone. Going for 2 weeks. Maybe during this time to let him chill up. Going there isn't chilling but at least stop contacting me for 2weeks is good.
I hope everything will be fine after that. I was like.. I'm not jealous. His friend gave him a testi who is a girl but I tell you I'm not jealous. I'm sad. I'm angry. The moment I saw that, my heart shattered. It hurts me. I shed a tear. I was thinking why am I the only one get treated like that by him? What have I done? Am I that irritating? Am I that annoying? Why he have to do this to me? It hurts to see someone you like treat you like that. Shit. I just had a deja-vu. Ya. It hurts. I will accept if he doesn't want to be a lover. Well, at least as a friend. But no. Worst than that? Treating that he-dont-know-who-the-hell-am-i attitude. Or even worst. Treat that shp-is-invisible attitude. At least you will reply 'Who is this?' when someone unknown messaged you. I try to show my care and everything but it failed. I guess I shouldn't bother anything now. Let heaven decide. Let fate decide. I believe in fate.
Sigh. I hope my sis is fine now. I hope she will forgive me. I'm sorry. I will change. I sorry to everyone. I'm taking everything for granted. I'm toying everything I have. I'm just like a useless kid. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry about all these things had happened. I want to apologise to those friends out there who I took them for granted, those words I said (eventhough words can't be taken back, if i could, i will), those stuff I did. Sorry. Now grandma and dad is talking about the matter. Dad was rather shock when he heard sis went out of house. Sigh.
Thats all. Good luck to those people who are taking their O levels. Work hard. Show glory to you family and friends. Don't be a moron like me. See you guys online next month. I'll be back. Take care.
Everything is getting out of hand. My house, my family.. My sis and dad argued because of me. Just because I don't wash my bowl and keep at the basin, dad mistaken that my sis did it and sis said it was mine but dad don't believe it and he insisted that it's sis one and sis shouted at him, dad say NONONONO and walked off, sis came to me and shouted that 'LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! NEXT TIME I DON'T BOTHER YOU ALREADY! AND YOUR FATHER COME AND SHOUT AT ME FOR NOTHING. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!' and she went back to her room and slam the door. I heard bangings behind the door. While I sat in the eating table, trying not to think about it, tears welled up in my eyes, eating my plate of noodle and studying chinese words at the same time.
Shit, Everything is my fault. I'm so useless. I can't even do simple chores. Grandma said don't shout already! Dad sat at the living room. Grandma said I was spoon-fed for 16years. It's a habit already. Ever single thing people have to serve me. Chores are done by my mother. My mom don't complain much and thats why I'm like this. I tried to ignore everything. Shut every words they are saying. Soon, sis stomp out from the room with her bag and shout at me. She take her shoes out of the cupboard, slam everything she do, open the door and ran out. Okay. Now it's raining. I wonder where she will go. What is she doing outside? If anything happen to her, I have to take the rap.
All because of me. Problems are arising. So Many of them. I can't handle the stress and pressure. Firstly, r/s problems then some emotional stuff which is not solved yet. Then came my dad's health condition. Thirdly, my O levels is just a day away. Now, my family bond is broken. Shit. Why? Everyone expect me to get good grades for O lvl. Everyone is pressurising me. I know I can do it. It just that.. Everything happen at once. I can't take it. It's part of growing up but why now? Why ? I don't understand. Is my life that bad? Soon I will have depression. I think I already have 30% of depression. Mental illness, attitude changed, some weird stuff going on. I tried not to drink, I tried not to think about it after my exams but they kept flashing in my mind time and again. He's gone. Going for 2 weeks. Maybe during this time to let him chill up. Going there isn't chilling but at least stop contacting me for 2weeks is good.
I hope everything will be fine after that. I was like.. I'm not jealous. His friend gave him a testi who is a girl but I tell you I'm not jealous. I'm sad. I'm angry. The moment I saw that, my heart shattered. It hurts me. I shed a tear. I was thinking why am I the only one get treated like that by him? What have I done? Am I that irritating? Am I that annoying? Why he have to do this to me? It hurts to see someone you like treat you like that. Shit. I just had a deja-vu. Ya. It hurts. I will accept if he doesn't want to be a lover. Well, at least as a friend. But no. Worst than that? Treating that he-dont-know-who-the-hell-am-i attitude. Or even worst. Treat that shp-is-invisible attitude. At least you will reply 'Who is this?' when someone unknown messaged you. I try to show my care and everything but it failed. I guess I shouldn't bother anything now. Let heaven decide. Let fate decide. I believe in fate.
Sigh. I hope my sis is fine now. I hope she will forgive me. I'm sorry. I will change. I sorry to everyone. I'm taking everything for granted. I'm toying everything I have. I'm just like a useless kid. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry about all these things had happened. I want to apologise to those friends out there who I took them for granted, those words I said (eventhough words can't be taken back, if i could, i will), those stuff I did. Sorry. Now grandma and dad is talking about the matter. Dad was rather shock when he heard sis went out of house. Sigh.
Thats all. Good luck to those people who are taking their O levels. Work hard. Show glory to you family and friends. Don't be a moron like me. See you guys online next month. I'll be back. Take care.